Honestly, I have trust issues. But my trust issues aren’t the, I’m-going-to-hack-into-your-phone-and-see-who-you’ve-been-texting type. My trust issues are the, you’re-not-going-to-learn-certain-details-about-my-life-until-I-deem-you-worthy type. Most guys don’t want to put in the work it takes to learn these details so after a few days of texting back and forth things pretty much fall off. Then I delete their number and store any memory of them in the land of misfit boys.
I’m not saying that when I go on dates (I don’t go on dates actually, I don’t know why I’m lying to ya’ll) I just sit there and don’t say anything. I am a dazzling conversationalist! But the facts I share on dates or during the getting-to-know-you phase are superficial at most. I’m not sure when I actually start sharing in-depth details about my life with people but it usually takes a while. Unless I get strong vibes that this person is really cool I’m pretty guarded, this goes for friendships and relationships. But with friendships, I seem to pick up on those vibes faster, and I’m able to decide if I want to keep hanging with this person or keep them at arm’s length. I’m not sure if this is a screening process that every woman goes through when she’s talking to someone new or if it’s just me that’s like this.
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I can recall when I was getting to know someone and they called me out and asked if I could take the wall down for them. I’m glad that it happened during a text conversation because my jaw was definitely on the floor. It’s rare for anyone to notice the brick wall reinforced with a steel one that I have up so I was surprised. But I think I do it to protect me from getting hurt when guys decide they can’t handle my awesomeness anymore.
I don’t know if I’ll decide to change after I post this or not. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m a slow mover, until recently I didn’t have a problem with it. Then I realized maybe I need to open up more to people. But then I realized why should I open up to people who don’t really deserve it? I suppose I’ll use my discretion and pay attention to the vibes I feel. The vibes will let me know if I should open up or not. Vibes are the best. But dating? Dating is the worst.
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